I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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