Old men and throwing up are my life now.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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