If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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