just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
