Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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