Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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