glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drake has all the answers
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
