What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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