is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
