One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
