at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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