some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
