The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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