I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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