Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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