My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
