if i can run in heels then i can drive
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
