don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
