Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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