My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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