There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
