watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
