I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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