For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
