why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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