Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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