obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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