shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The struggles of a small town man whore
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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