My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
