so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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