I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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