I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
