Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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