Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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