so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
