I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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