I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
