Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
