Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
