the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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