I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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