It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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