party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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