He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
