My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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