Dude my mom stole all your condoms
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
