tonight lets celebrate not being married
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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