and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
