I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
