you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
