A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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